


Flowers for a Tomestone

by Buttercup_ghost



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Agender Frisk, American Sign Language, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Aromantic frisk, Atheism, Bullying, Child Abandonment, Child Murder, Child Neglect, Chronic Illness, Coping, Depression, Flavor Text Narrator Chara, Fluff, Found Family, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Gender Roles, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Torture, Kidnapping, Knives, Maybe - Freeform, Mistakes, Narrator Chara, Non-Binary Frisk, Non-Binary Monster Kid, Other, PTA Sans, Passive Chara, Post-Canon, Post-Pacifist Route, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-Undertale Genocide Route, Post-Undertale Neutral Route - Near Genocide Ending, Recovery, Regret, Running Away, Self-Hatred, Soft Chara, Some Swearing, Time Loop, Time Shenanigans, Time Travel, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Transphobia, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, aromantic chara?, billy (helens kid), both frisk and chara's parents suck, but they flirt with everyone, frisk is an atheist, frisk is suffering, gender-fluid chara, helen - Freeform, i think those are all the tags?, im not sure, implied/referenced transphopia, linda - Freeform, long running series, mk's name is buttercrunch, not sure where im going with this, pta frisk, pta members - Freeform, pta tale, pun-hating frisk, pun-loving chara, self-punishing behavor, their not either, they dont like the whole 'being [insert a sexuallity or gender here] is a sin' thing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-28
Updated: 2016-06-10
Packaged: 2018-07-10 16:11:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 6,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6994024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Buttercup_ghost/pseuds/Buttercup_ghost
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Frisk starts a geno-run. They regret it.<br/>Chara does too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. good.

**Author's Note:**

> ahhaha I have no clue what I'm doing help  
> I have a ton of drafts in my folders, and I decided to combine them. lets hope this turns out ok

"Youre a good person, frisk."

_I'm not good_

"Your so polite Francess!"

_I wonder what people would say if they saw the real me?_

"Your the kind of friend I wish I could have had.."

_they wouldn't want to be around me._

"Your parents most be proud."

_just like my parents, their glares filled with hate and resentment met with glares of my own at a similar caliber._

"Take care of mom and dad for me, ok frisk?"

_I wonder if that's because they can see through my mask, my lies and broken promises?_

"Look its that red eyed freak!"

_or maybe they made me like this. maybe the world did._

"Why do you even bother coming to school? No one likes you."

_maybe all humans are like this. rotten._

"Do you believe anyone can be a good person if they just try?"

_or maybe they just choose to be. maybe they don't care enough to try._

**"Not all humans are evil chara!"**

_my beliefs have faded from back when i first fell, even though logicly not everyone is bad;_

" **I'm not evil, you're not evil, Amy wasn't evil!"**

_its getting harder and harder to believe that._

**"People can be good! at least.. I believe so.. if not, what's the point?"**

_I'm to tired of it all. I've become a washed up hero before I even got to clam my glory_

"Frisk, you came from this world, did you not? so you must have somewhere to return to?"

_I don't deserve that glory anyways._

" **I have places to be.** "

_I don't deserve any of you._

"I.. see.."

_I know._

"well then.. I better get going.."

_I know better than anyone that you would be happy to take me in_

"Frisk..."

_but I cant stay_

"See you around.."

_I would just be a burden_


	2. hate has made me into a shell of my former self.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> longing - something I selfishly have.  
> I guess I'm just a fallen angel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why do I make my children suffer?
> 
> warning: vague mentions of self-harm, and a lot of self-hate.

Now a days i feel hollow.

Not even the kind that naws at your stomache with a burning emptiness,

but the kind that feels like cold water has settled in your chest.

my emotions come in bouts and bursts randomly from day to day, typically bringing with them primary feelings of _disgust_ with myself and a _longing_ for the empty spot that my head mate long ago occupied, to be filled with a protective presence once again.

i have called out on days like these,

**_but nobody came._ **

But that makes sense, though, doesn't it?

After all, I was the one who choose this, I was the one who started this. it was all me.

~~_(no one is above consequences, frisk.)_ ~~

I only have myself to blame.

distilled hatred drove me down the path caked in dust and broken promises, and though I did not reach the ending;

~~[ _your soul for the world, its a fair enough trade_ ] ~~

it feels like I did. ~~  
~~

~~\---~~

I uses to have a garden filled with buttercups and golden flowers.

its the only thing I was allowed to own.

I've burned it.

I don't have anything that color anymore.

speaking of colors, I'm not sure if i like they color red.

I hate the red of my soul, the sickly color of determination that infects my being.

but I like the red of blood.

the slightly darker shade that carries a taste not unlike metal, the color that flows and drips out of my veins when cut with my knife.

~~_(the color of a soul you've never seen, but know what it looked like so, so long ago)_ ~~

 i guess its some kind of cruel irony.

or maybe more like some cosmic joke?

Like me.

What I do know, is that I hate the color blue.

I used to like it, my clothes and room varies shades, but now all that color carries is a scent of betrayal, brutal and deep. sweet lies and grim truths both wielded like one would a knife; like I did wield a knife; cutting deep in my soul, spilling regret and apologizes like humans spill blood.

and i remind myself, though the flash backs and memories, the panic attacks that come from a nightmare filled with _gold_ and _red_ and _blue, oh so much blue. ill never escape that blue._

**This is retribution.**

**\---**

I miss Chara

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as I mentioned in the last chapter, I found some old works in my writing folder. most of them were vent-y, and didn't really have a cohesive story, so I'm really hoping this story will make sense when I'm finished. this is gonna be a big project, and I have hopes in where it will go! thanks for reading, feedback is appreciated.


	3. what you have made to bind you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm honestly surprised my soul is still a picturesque red.  
> I would have expected it to have rotten away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow this chapter is really vent-y on my part.
> 
> warning: self destructive urges, more vague self-harm, and depression. also slightly hinted at abuse.

I wonder, if one day you could forgive me?

 _~~(they say, that the weak hold grudges and the strong forgive.~~ _  
_~~we both know I've never been strong)~~ _

...probably not.

I don't deserve it.

~~_(they say that hate binds you. we both hate a lot, now don't we?)_ ~~

I've done horrible things, i understand if you hate me.

i hate me too.

~~_(I don't think hate binds you per say, only if you let it consume you, only if you act on it.)_ ~~

I've hurt friends

family

~~_(i guess we both made that mistake in life. but I only tried to hurt the guilty. i never took it out on the innocent like you did.)_ ~~

just because you're mad, doesn't mean you have to fight.

i really screwed up.

I'm sorry.

~~_(you are binded, not quite from hate, but guilt. the whispers and reminders haunting you, following you like ghosts. forcing you to bare the weight of your sins. coiling around your ankles and tying you down like chains)_ ~~

I don't deserve forgiveness

I don't deserve you

 ~~_(you once said to me that even if I don't forgive, I don't have to act on resentment._ ~~  
~~_you used to think everyone deserves a second chance_ ~~  
~~_I don't know what to do anymore)_ ~~

 

 

 

 

 

_[aren't we just kids?]_

 

 

 

 

I'm suppose to be an angel, but I've committed a million sins.

 

_[we are not angels, we are not demons._

 

_we are kids._

 

_just kids.]_

 

my hands are forever stained with dust and blood

_(I'm choking, I'm choking on dust, it fills my lunges and grates my skin. it hurts, I hate it. but somehow its oddly comforting. my power rises again. no one can hurt me.)_  

the cool metal rests in my hand, blood pooling out in a shade tinted black. its pretty almost.

it doesn't matter.

I have the random **urge** to _bite_ this _skin_ of my wrist, until its nothing but a sinful stain of red, to hack away at my chest till I bleed out into nothiness.

because at least the world wouldn't feel so _gray_.

it would be dyed with my blood, a white canvas painted red.

why don't i feel anything anymore?!

  
i should feel bad! horrible! but instead i feel this all encompassing **abyss** of _numb_ and _empty_

the colors are there, and then they're not.

I care to much, the world is dyed in color, to much color. its vibrate and bright and it _hurts_. it leaves me on the floor, gasping, crying. its cripplingly _there_. the weight of my sins come crashing down like a title wave and i have nothing to anchor my self to. why should I try? I have no one to _live_ for. if a drowned in this storm i would be _glad_. I would be godamm **_relived_**! then it leaves as suddenly as it came, the world is back to grey again.

I'm just like emotionless doll being held my the neck with invisible strings. a puppet. I cant breath

and even though i haven't touched the ground yet, my strings are uncut, I feel like I'm shattering into a million of irreparable pieces.

I can't even find it in me to 'give up' because I'm pretty sure I did that long ago.

I don't even want to die anymore, I want to have _never existed_ in the first place.

I want to be _nothing_

_\---_  

i think the hardest question is why.

   _just--_

_why?_

honestly, I don't know.  
I was frustrated, upset.  
hate fuelled my determination and my determination fuelled me 

_re-victimization._  

I really am **mistake** , aren't I?

....

Flowey knows.  
He thinks it was you.

~~_(you started the war, all I ever did was finish it)_~~  

..it wasn't.

I don't bother to correct him.  
~~_(cowardly. you really are a human aren't you?_~~

~~_why did I ever think things were different?)_ ~~

I lie, I cheat, I hurt.

just like _them_.

its inbeaded in me, weaved in my dna, engraved in my skull.  
_hurt hurt hurt_ , then act your way out. of course this would happen, its the natural course for one of this filthy blood line.

or maybe all humans are like this? after all, even without the promise of no conscience, are jails are still full.

if given the power of a god, who wouldn't use it?

well, maybe someone better than me.  
which, is a given, I've always considered me less than human, worst than human

some galactic mistake, an anomaly no one wanted

_it doesn't matter._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was based on my experience with the genocide route, mixed with me venting about my depression. if anything reads funny, please tell me. feedback as always is appreciated. 
> 
> and if you came here for chara and frisk fluff I send you my sincerest apologies. may you rest in peace. things will get better though! theirs a lot I have planned for this!


	4. ambassador

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> marionettes - that's what we all are.  
> are you blind to the strings around my neck?  
> you keep moving like your ordered you to, yet your oblivious.  
> you ignore me when I'm choking- when my strings are too tight.  
> do you not care?  
> I wish I only felt the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: abuse, murder, self hate - did I get them all?

I wear my mask perfectly around my friends.

I'm the ambassador, so I have to see them.

i owe them this, i owe them to shoulder these burdens

it took a lot to convince my.. 'parents' to let me.

its gonna be hard to hide the bruises.

well, it doesn't matter; I still hate it here

memories echo off the walls and follow me like shadows, cries and pleas of a past left unanswered.

And the scars that ache with phantom pain that has long subsided, yells thundering around in a silent room; contradictory, unnessicary, yet completely warranted mesh of memories plagues a heart that just wants to disappear.

and i wonder again -not yet for the last time- why?

my hands are unclean able; still stained with dust.

and would my own spill blood and entrails; decorate this white wall red if it meant i could take it back

truly, _truly_ , take it back.

because, in truth, the monsters where just innocent bystanders; casualties used as a replacement for the people i really hated.

but, of course, even with this power I cant truly reverse it, actions have consequences, choices have meaning no matter who or what you are.

~~_(you reap what you sow, and you've planted a lot of seeds.)_ ~~

i made my choices a long ago.

so long ago in fact, that I wonder if technically I'm as old as toriel mentally, the woman who was more than a mom to me that my own ever was.

not that i ever deserved her kindness.

but of course, you probably found that out when i first picked up a knife and pretended it was blood on the ground and not her dust; when i let rage consume me because _she abandoned me how dare she try to keep me here._

or maybe you figured it out when i first started wondering around the ruins beating froggets to death with my stick.

in any case, my friends still look at me like an innocent, like i deserve their kindness.

and i _hate_ it.

a sweet honey coated lie is what they think i am, and a part of me wants them to find out that the truth is I'm anything but kind, just so i wouldn't have to feel so guilty when they look at me, but i don't think i could take it if their adoration turned to scorn.

so i, so selfishly keep the mask up

but maybe its for the best, maybe an innocent poster kid will at least make these _shitheads_ stop going on about how monsters are dangerous.

even though that same kid slaughtered them all.

politicians are real **idiots**.

\---

I always knew the government was corrupted.

well- how could it not be?

it would have to be so, with how everyone turned their back on a sobbing child, with how turning a blind eye to their pain.

with how, it was a perfectly curable disease, yet she still died.

and no, I'm not so fools hearty that I believed I could fix such a broken system, but ill be dammed if monsters don't get the same rights humans have.

I will exploit the greed in the hearts of many, use any trick to my advantage.

because, the game of politics, is never a clean one.

\---

mom.

no- Toriel. I don't deserve to call her mom.

she's worried.

guess I didn't cover up the bruises well enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate politics.


	5. thoughts from the fallen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> why do the truths in words always flutter away, only leaving heavy leaven lies?  
> why does the meaning always smear?  
> why does it feel like I'm choking on them, why does every answer ring false?  
> why do they taste like dirt once they form?  
> I leave the about page devoid of truths, since my personality is blank of pleasantries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter isn't really good sorry-
> 
> edit: i revised this chapter since i really wasn't happy with it.

I'm a liar.

she saw the bruise on my arm, and I lied.

not surprising, really.

but - somewhere inside of me I wanted her to see through my façade.

did I really choose right saying I'm okay like this?

theirs no one to tell me.

my hopes have long died, my dreams turned nightmare. who let the fire in me burn out like this?

was it me?

why is it like this?

i wish their was someone to explain, someone to lead me to a bright tomorrow, to lead me out of this limbo I'm in.

but there's not.

I'm on my own.

did i believe that i would get a happy end?

all i have are band aids for flesh wounds so bad that even treated properly would scar.

you cant un-shatter glass, just put the pieces back together.

but its not the same.

and there's no one even there to pick up my pieces.

I'm simply worthless shards, cutting anyone who tries to touch me. **** ~~~~

I force the words of pleads back down my throat

even if I said them, the meaning would be lost, replaced by leaden lies.

so if i said anything, please forget.

not that anything I said even reached.

i already know how hopeless it is, how my heart has turned to black from years of rot and decay.

the clear innocent me has already passed away, replaced instead with the mangled me of today

and i wonder again if any of this even matters?

I keep playing the part of the fool, dancing in a world far to monochromed to be a proper stage.

and i cant tell if its booing, or cheering I'm hearing.

the performance is all so tiring, i wish i could stop.

I'm so sick of this.

the empty lies of theater pile up.

"yes I'm fine"

all of my words become meaningless as the stack grows.

I hate this.

I hate this!

I cant break free, the only thing I have left is pain.

if you could bottle the nothingness of the dark, i would be first in line to buy it.

if rain could wash away my sins, i would be the first one out in it.

but you cant bottle nothing, and you cant wash what isn't tangible

and theres no one here with me

not that they would know what to do

if don't understand my own heart, how could anyone else?

no one even realizes I wear a mask.

sympathy and lies are showered apon me but every one of them is empty and devoid of meaning.

and the worse part is that these lies are not lies, but false beliefs.

everything has been wrong, ringed false, and its killing me because i know that I'm to blame.

I don't think I can take this, I'm sorry 

I wish I could die and be reborn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what are you doing frisk?
> 
> next chapter from sans pov.


	6. seeing through the mask.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> somebody came

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've given up on listing the warnings.  
> you guys see the tags
> 
> edit: ive edited this chapter because i wasn't really happy with it still.

the kid was acting strange.

sure, the kid was always kinda strange, but this level wasn't normal for them.

then tori noticed their arm.

tori was so concerned with the bruise on it, that she didn't see their wrists.

jeeze kid, what did you do?

maybe I should follow them, make sure they're okay.

actually - were does the kid live?

now that I think about it, what do I know about them?

they know a lot about the monsters, but, what do we know about them?

not much beyond the surface level.

well - besides my notes.

I don't really want to think about the implications behind those.

\---

"hey tori, I'm gonna head out to, have some things to take care of."

\---

why did they go to mount ebbott?

huh? what's this note..?

_"dear anyone who cares,_

_you shouldn't._

_I'm sorry._

_it would be so much easier if you hated me._

_if we just went though with out caring about anyone, we wouldn't have to hurt now, would we?_

_you never understood, but its not your fault, its mine._

_I always lied to you._

_every truth flies away when I put it into words, the meaning smears, and turns to static._

_I'm tired of all the misery, and_ _so I tried to ignore the hurt, thinking if i did so it would vanish_

_but everyday it felt like bit of me died._

_it wouldn't have meant a thing if I told you how I feel, anyways._

_I've broken promises no one will remember, anything i would have said wouldn't have made sense._

_so please, save your sorrow for someone worthy of it._

_you don't even realize your wrong about the most fundamental parts of me._

_the things I feel, who I am, no one knew those things_

_I tried so hard, but in truth my heart is cold._

_you only know the lie, the mask._

_no one saw through it_

_but that's my fault, isn't it?_

_goodbye_

_\- frisk"_

god dammit kid! you didn't did you!?

I have to teleport down there.

\---

"kid?"

"sans?" your voice crooked, hoarse.

there's so much blood.

 "oh jeeze- kid this... this is bad. I have to call tori."

I can't heal this.

what happened to them?

"why..?"

"you know why.."

the.. notes..

crap! they've passed out! this is really bad.

I need to call tori!

"tori, I have a problem.." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm bad at writing sans whoops-


	7. tired

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shut up.  
> I don't know.  
> I don't know!  
> just leave me be..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last chapter from frisks pov  
> i recommend you re read last chapter, since i changed it a bit.
> 
> edit: ive edited this some because i wasn't quite happy with it.

I wonder what lead me here of all places?

my feet just found my way, I guess.

I know the world would be better without me.

I jumped before, but flowers broke my fall, enchanted with toriels magic.

that magic is gone now.

I deserve this.

 ~~~~_~~(frisk.. don't..)~~ _

~~~~if they knew, they would hate me.

isn't that right chara?

~~_(no. frisk I don't want this! I.. just don't know what to do.)_ ~~

are you still even there?

you've been silent since my last run, only static filled whispers are left.

did destroy you?

~~_(I'm still here!)_ ~~

just another thing to add to the list of sins.

I'm sorry.

 ~~_(fris_ ~~ _k!)_

_goodbye_

_FRISK!_

_"char-?"_

_\---_

chara?

no, I probably just imagined it.

_frisk I'm here._

ch-chara..?

_yes.._

w-why..? h-how..?

_I.. I don't want you to die, frisk. we both made mistakes that run._

w-what?

_maybe I.. I don't know if I can forgive you, but I still care.. i- frisk. i don't want you to die._

what.

_i was just being bitter.. i guess. but- i know why you... your parents. I've been listening this whole time. i- i don't know what to do._

_wait, is that sans?_

_"_ sans?"

_frisk, ask for help._

no.

please just let me die chara..

_why?_

"why..?"

the echo sans makes of chara blurs in my head and i answer:

you know why.

both of you already know..

you know that they'll hate me.

he knows what I've done, whether he wants to believe it or not

kids.. like me.. should b e.. buri ng in ..he..ll

_frisk! your-_

_\---_

 i woke up in a hospital the next day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> theses last few chapters got really dark, wow-


	8. rain and asphalt.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> your pie is left forgotten.  
> you don't know if your shaking from fear or relief when you find them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> am I using the word asphalt right?

 

  its raining when you get a call from sans.

you're baking a pie, planning on gifting it to frisk to heal the bruise they got.

they looked upset when you mentioned it, maybe their embarrassed about falling.

seriously, what a clumsy child! first mount ebbot, now this.

you smile at their antics, and a twinge of sadness pokes your heart like a pin, a tinge of jealousy in your stomach.

you frown at your slightly glassy eyes, of course they would choose to go with their real parents, they went through the whole underground to get back to them!

you shouldn't feel sad that their happy with themand not you.

you weren't their real mom.

your phone chirps with a surprisingly serious song that sans picked out, signaling that he's calling you.

"oh! well hello sans!"

theirs a pause, and a sigh.

unusual for your likable joke buddy.

"tori, we have a problem.."

you frown. "what is wrong, friend?"

"its about frisk, their injured"

your heart rate increases. their hurt? are they okay? oh god no, I cant lose another one!!

you were hyperventilating; in a panic. you didn't even realize you where speaking out load.

"tori! calm down!"

his voice was like broken static, a message desperately trying to get through

you anchored your self to it.

your breath slowly started to return to normal, it no longer felt like you where trying to suck in to much air, yet remaining out of breath.

your heart trembled, and your voice turned stern

**"where is my child?"**

you were shaking - who hurt them?

**"who dare hurt them?"**

"themselves."

wh-huh?

\---

youre child

youre poor child.

you were blind to their pain

you couldn't protect them, you promised you'd protect them.

why cant you ever protect them?

you're a bad mother, aren't you?

bitter asphalt collects at your feet.

 ---

frisk calls for you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like toriel has struggles to.


	9. blank faced and stressed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the tides are changing. I don't know what's next.  
> if I tell them how I feel, would they understand? would they except the answer of I don't know?  
> because I'm honestly not sure what I feel.  
> I've worn lies as a mask so long, that I don't know who I am without it.  
> tell me, how am I suppose to feel? who am I suppose to be?  
> but when you answer I get mad, because if I don't even know myself then how can you?  
> I've hid my heart to well, even I cant find it.  
> who am I?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I should separate the beginning from the last chapter into this one to have it flow better.

the doctors saw the scars.

the questions.

I don't know how to answer them.

I stay silent, petrified of my own words, how they could make everything worse.

the anxiety I thought I drowned in apathy is back with a vengeance.

their words turn to static as I stare blankly at the wall. I feel oddly detached.

funny, it seems like my anxiety is trying to drown me now.

\--- 

"how do you feel?" 

"I don't know"

"sir, that's not an answer."

"sir?"

_their not a boy, asshole._

"sir, you need to answer us"

_...frisk? are you okay?_

"can you hear us?"

_frisk?_

"he's catatonic it seems.."

_....._

" _get Toriel"_

"what?"

_[but we didn't respond]_


	10. make-up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the color that I choose to decorate my lips was crimson.  
> funny.

chara broke my daze, asking for toriel.

my thoughts and throat still felt like lead twine, knotted and heavy. my voice wouldn't come out.

my throat was grainy, like knifes had scraped against it tell it was raw; it seemed like the world had worn it down just like it did with this dead weight heart.

and I wasn't sure- was it my anxiety, illness, or injuries? -why it did burn so

just like back then.

its been a while since this has happened, my fingers are out of practice, so I choose to remain silent, waiting.

my mouth drawn into a line.

then, there was a knock on the door.

it mixed with the pelleting rain into a melody of the waterfall, and I could almost see it.

almost feel it.

spears dancing to the beat of the song, elbowing and stepping on me _again and again and_ **again**.

the water cascading away from my vison as my heart snapped in two once more.

it was almost graceful, almost beautiful.

I was screaming.

\---

when she walked in she had tears in her eyes.

no doubt hearing a scream of a broken child set off my a knock.

a fucking  _knock_

a crescendo of sadness wash over me -  **I** made her cry, cry over me, a pathetic excuse for a human, **numb** and only filled with a unexplainable  _sadness_  - and before I knew it my own tears are spilling over.

I'm not sure why I feel so sad.

I'm not even sure _why_ I'm so **_fucking sad_** right now! why do I still think I **deserve** her? I don't _get_ to be sad!   _ **I **_ did this!

but somehow these thoughts only made more tears come.

"my child.. I'm so sorry."

and my head shakes a frenzy of - _no no no, this isn't her fault._

its mine. its _always_ been **mine**.

this fact has been tested and proved over and over again

and I tug on my hair - she blames her self but its _me me me **always been me**_

and her furry arms remove my hands from my head gently, like a mother would; like a mother should, and envelop me into a hug, and i flinch, unintentionally, shaking as I  sink into it.

my trembling arms lift up and rap them around her, and I think that might be chara, though I'm not sure because it could have very well be me- why am I still crying?

my emotions are weird- they don't work quite right -like a broken music box.

sometimes they don't work at all, leaving the room quite and dark; cold and empty; as you try to sleep. where as other times it screeches, painful and ugly. shrill notes grinding against your ears and pounding into your head as if you ear drum was an actual drum.

and sometimes its beautiful.

the moment is lost when the door opens and shuts.

I stiffen

"hello, I'm doctor frank, a therapist here. I heard francess here had a fall?"

and cringe

toriels embrace loosens into nonexistence and I feel like I might hate this guy for bringing it to an end.

"so, francess, huh? that's an unusual name for a boy"

_theyre not a boy!_

but correcting people always got me in trouble.

"my mom wanted a girl"

I sign, and pray. _please understand sign._

 _"_ I was not aware you spoke in sign.. thankfully, I know some."

finally the gods or what ever being, actually listened to on of my requests

I guess its about time.

ha. time.

chara speaks for me, voice wavering **** ~~~~

_"um.. if you don't mind.. can you use they pronouns?"_

annoyance tinged in you- you didn't want to correct him! if your mom found out..

but even with that leaden thought, feelings quickly dissipated into guilt.

they were finally talking to me, i don't have the right to complain!

besides, i deserve what ever punishment, right?

I was startled, thoughts breaking when he stared at me expectantly. was he talking before?

_hes gonna say a word, and asked you to sign what comes to mind. he already said apple_

oh. for a apple..

"red"

..is the first thing that comes to mind

"hearts"

"souls"

I reply without thinking, signing answers with clumsy fingers.

"why souls?"

"theyre shaped like hearts"

"ok, how about... you?"

me? I'm-

"red"

"why red?"

why..? why red.. because red is the color of hurt- of pain.

it didn't ask to be this way, but it can not change.

I answer about how my soul is red instead of signing these thoughts.

"what else is red?"

"blood and lipstick."

_lipstick?_

chara asks, and I mentally slap myself

"lipstick? why lipstick?"

I'm not ready to tell this story.

_frisk. try. **now**._

wow so demanding, I try to joke, but all I get is a ghost glare. of course they haven't forgiven me! idiot. sighing, I start to sign

"my mom- she.."

I still remember that day, clear as rain. their was _red_ everywhere, florets of _gold_ and _blue_ blooming on my skin

"go on, tell me"

"my- my mom had lipstick. she was always- always saying, 'why couldn't you have been pretty little girl like I wanted, francess?', so one day I tried on- tried on some of her make up, you know? I thought- I thought if I tried to be more girlish, she'd like me more. my dad found me. he-he-....wasn't happy. he said I was.. an embarrassment to him. he said boys cant wear makeup, that my name was already bad enough."

 "i see.. did your parents ever.. do anything to you? according to the report, you where covered with partially healed bruises."

toriel shudder at the thought, so violently that I could hear it. **** ~~~~

would he believe me? no one ever did before.. but they saw the bruises. they had to. they had to!

maybe...

I draw a breath, its shaky, like shutters in a storm, and I force my voice out.

"... **yes** "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did I ever mention frisk uses sign some of the time?  
> explanations coming. (also pta things)


	11. the demon that comes.... to share their great humor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> flowers wilt and decay  
> everything dies, but never ends  
> I am the very definition of irony, and contradiction.  
> Chara...  
> the demon that comes when people call its name.  
> the angel of death.  
> the fallen child.  
> a kid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHARA MY MURDER BABE!  
> eh-um... sorry about that..  
> this is a chapter from charas prospective!  
> I hope I don't butcher them..  
> Melody, ruinning peoples favorite characters since 1015.

despite what frisk might think, i haven't been watching them.

i actually had no clue what was happening outside of their mind, only hearing the echos of thoughts, similar to how my responses were reduced to faded whispers in the back of their brain.

i relized why from those thoughts.

why they did it.

you really are an idiot frisk.

if i had known... well, i wonder what would have happened.

even now i don't quite forgive them, so who knows?

determination is a fickle thing.

frisk used a lot during that reset, turning it into a 'true reset'.

before the genocide run, they did a neutral end.

they got out.

my memories are blurry and broken, they were determined to make me forget it seems.

what happened during that reset..?

i don't know.

 i don't know anything.

\---

 ok, admittedly, I might have been a little harsh when asking for more info.

well, more like demanding.

 I wasn't quite mad, I just needed frisk to talk.

...maybe I'm a little to good at manipulating people.

nah.

\---

I'm going to rip out frisks fathers guts and string him up with them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chara sometimes says profound things, are fancy and analytic.  
> and sometimes they say things like "ah, the cactus, truly the most tsundere of plants"  
> other times they make death threats.  
> truly the greatest character in undertale.


	12. it comes to a close with an authors note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> its the end, for now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> get pumped for the next ark!

I leave the hostel with anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety meds

I tell everyone a lot of things. things that probably didn't make sense.

I said sorry over and over again, told it to all my friends.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry.."

maybe one day ill tell them why, maybe one day chara will forgive me..

but for now, that music box inside of me is playing a sad melody.

 

 

**ark one end.**

**next ark: school**

 

 

hey! author here! next ark in the series takes place a month later from this ark. I know it sounds like a cop out to have me rambling about how actions have consequences at the beginning then to have chara forgive them, but was chara hating them really the consequence I was talking about? no, the consequence was frisk hating themselves. a big thing about undertale is redemption and forgivness. this story is about frisk finding redemption and forgiving themselves, just like they did for so many others. everyone can be a good person if they just try, after all. the next time well see frisk, they'll be at school! there will finally be fluff in this web of angst. I might start working on some other projects, but don't worry, ill still be updating! thanks for reading, comments are greatly appreciated! seriously guys, am I doing ok?


	13. Helen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to be more 'open'  
> it not quite working as well as I hoped.  
> but can you blame me?  
> with all of these idiotic humans surrounding me, if i was honest i would only have enemies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kids are assholes.  
> also, fight me helen.

I was always good at school.

i have a way with words, and quick to think on my feet.

but despite all my academic achievement, I still hate it.

I'm the quiet 'good' student.

but I'm not, not really.

I was taught to be small, obedient; to attract little attention and blend in.

now its second nature to me 

and I cant help but feel I'm lying to everyone each time they call me 'good' or 'shy'.

not to mention that because I'm seen as good, the kids push me around, thinking me easy prey.

I almost feel bad for them, mistaking a piranha for a goldfish, a bear for a toy.

i mostly try to ignore them though, most of the things are minor offences, taunts and laughs from afar.

do they really think they can pierce my heart with plastic?

if they do then they are just fools.

i have had steal needles, sharpened stakes and blades piece through it so many times I've lost count, had acid and gasoline thrown on it, burns seared into it till it was unrecognizable. my heart has drowned so many time its become numb to the pain.

they wont hurt it, not even close

but what really bugs me are the **shits** called adults spewing idiotic  _trash_ like its law, clutching bibles like they have the power to save them, when we all know **_they are beyond hope._**

and i wonder why i keep attending these pta meetings instead of **burning ** the whole school down with the members inside it.

_frisk, that's illegal_

...

_where are you going?_

i need to return this gasoline i bought

_what._

I'm joking, I'm joking!

....kinda

_why do you do the things you do?_

\---

 curiosity killed the cat they say, but i never headed that warning.

after all, cats have 9 lives, right?

satisfaction brought it back.

though, in my case, its more like determination.

i never regretted living this way more than when i got curious and went to a pta meeting with sans.

when i met Helen.

Fucken Helen.

so far ive only been to 3 pta meetings, and in that time ive learned 3 things;

sans is oddly passionate about the weirdest things, pta being one of them

Linda hides her rasism behind a smile

and Helen is a bitch, not even bothering with any fake pleasantries

if Linda is sans arch-nemesis, Helen is mine.

at least Linda  _tries_ do be nice, at least they care about the kids more than their ego despite how ever twisted their views are.

Helen doesn't even try to see others views, doesn't even try to hide their hate behind a smile.

i think that's why i hate her the most.

similarly, sans hates Linda _because_ of her fake smile.

it probably strikes a nerve in him.

  _do skeletons have nerves? their just bones.._

no clue.

i idly inspect my pencil, wondering why i decided to go to this hell.

_strawberries are drawn on the pencil_

chara remarks, taking notice to how neat the lines are.

last time i attended they said kids are suppose to sit on the bleachers when the parents talked, and i couldn't join, despite me being _the fucking ambassador_ of all monsters.

not this time.

if i have to listen to this bullshit i **will** get to put in my say.

I've lived more lives than any cat you'll ever met, and i intend to use the knowledge I've learned.

damn anything Helen says.

_Helen? more like Hell-in am i right?_

you need to stop

\---

how can anyone stand theses?

it tastes like sugar saturated cardboard.

_are you talking about Linda or her lemon bars?_

nice one.

\---

Gloria is a sweet lady, bless her heart, but also a ridiculous pushover.

she promised she would go with her son to a waterpark, so she's currently absent today.

oh joy, the next hour is gonna be insulting the poor lady, isn't it?

gossiper is just a nice way of saying back-stabber, twisting both truths and lies into insults of fire, the flames spreading under the lighters careful fanning.

 its time like theses I'm grateful they don't let me bring knifes in.

everyone else appears to be present, and I approach with all intention to join them.

and this time, I _will_.

after all, if theirs anything I am, its determined

**_meeting, start!_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next time on dragon ball z


	14. i really wish i had a knife.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yes linda, I'm fine.  
> stop asking every five minutes, I wont fall apart just because of some idiotic thing you said.  
> everything you say is so idiotic that I'm immune to it.  
> oh, I offended you?  
> your very existence offends me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> throwing out some serious shade here  
> also more back story

"you can't debate with us, your a kid!"

"may I remind you I'm the ambassador of all monsters, I think I can handle a pta meeting, _**h**_ _ **elen**_."

"i swear, I don't even know why they choose you to be that."

 "I freed their whole race, helen. I broke a century old barrier no one else could break."

"but you a kid!"

"yes I am a kid, but I'm still a hundred times smarter than you."

"excuse me?!"

"yes, helen, excuse you. you still deny that global warming exists, when scientist have been saying it does"

"that's just a theory."

"gravity is a theory, helen. scientific theory is different than say.. conspiracy theories. "

"w-well.. um.."

"well nothing, helen. its clear from my job and school grades I can understand and contribute to the arguments, dare I say, even more than you can."

"but if we let you in, well have to let every kid in!"

"ok then, let anyone who wants to join, join. but helen, most kids wont want to join, I'm a special case sense I'm involved in politics. I find it interesting, its my passion." 

"but we cant do that! the school board will kill us."

"already handled."

"wh-what?"

"I'm a politician, helen. I have connections."

"..."

\---

 welp. I pretty much wrecked her.

_yeah, I don't think they can come back from that._

_metaphorically, shes deader than dead._

oh, don't underestimate her chara.

shes like a zombie, always coming back despite how many time you shot 'em

_got that right._

"yeah, I know right. he acts so high and mighty but we all know hes just a **_freak_**. did you know he refused to speak in class sometimes? _claims_ he has an **'illness'** "

oh hell no.

"yeah, hes not that great. he should speak like a _normal_ child, and stop **pretending** he has an illness."

"bitch what you say about me?"

"ah!"

"you know, my sister had the same illness. she died from it."

"o-oh my, were really sorry."

"yeah you are. don't talk about things you don't understand. my sister died slowly and painfully, confided to a wheelchair and unable to speak. she died to an treatable illness, one that can be cured if treated early on. the same one that I also suffer from, and will never be cured from due to my birth parents negligence. I live in constant fear it will get worse and also claim my life, despite how many specialist I go to. so go on. call me a freak, but ask yourself this, who really is a freak here? Me, or the ones who mock kids for afflictions they can't help?"

"....."

"nothing to say, huh? now can we please get back on topic and do are job instead of insulting kids? linda? helen?"

"y-yes.. lets"

 "s..sure.."

 "good."

_frisk? are you ok?_

not really... but I'll live

even if I don't want to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> where's the fluff I promised?  
> even I'm outraged by this


	15. and this kind of rain feels like hope for a new day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> happiness can come from many places.  
> from pie and jokes, to hugs and comforting word  
> it can come from many people, in many forms.  
> you can feel both sad and happy, you can have a tugging on your chest from love.  
> it can come from support.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ive edited chapter 5-7 a lot since i wasn't happy with them, but the plots are still the same so you don't have to re read them.

the pta meeting ends a bit later, and i walk home with sans.

i cant quite see him as a dad.. but at the same time he's like one.

_definitely got the dad jokes down._

 heh. Not to mention he clearly has a crush on toriel.

maybe i should set them up..

_ehh.. its a little weird for me, but sure._

 hmm..

\---

all day ive been thinking about the best way to proceed but..

maybe i should ask Buttercrunch?

"hey, Butter, Billy, I've been thinking of setting up sans and toriel, how do you think i should go about it?"

"yo! dude, setting up someone again? hm.. well one time i over heard the great papyrus complainting about sans drinking ketup?"

hm..

"are you proposing i lure him with his favorite 'food'?"

"yo! dude! that's a perfect idea!"

so you weren't suggesting that..?

"i don't know about this..."

ah billy. shes a sweet heart. hard to believe shes related to _helen_.

"billy, its fine! ive set up the greatest couples before! alphys and undyne one of them!"

  "yo! dude! that reminds me! have you picked out a name yet?"

"ah.. no.. I'm debating against Samantha or Telica.. i like the name Samantha, but i want a unique name."

"yo! telica sound so cool!"

"yes, they are both very nice names."

i smiled.

today was a nice day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god??? is this fluff?? no way!  
> next chapters gonna be soriel.  
> its a pretty cute ship, but I'm not gonna lie, i mainly put it in there to write flustered sans and dad jokes lol.

**Author's Note:**

> this was a really short chapter, but i'll have more up soon.


End file.
